Hey guys what I’m about to blog everyone you will be able to relate to at least one piece or maybe the whole blog, but I come to say I have been through a lot, and it did not hold me down I’m still pushing to find my way. I was 17 years old when I found out I was pregnant and I was shocked because I knew this was going to change my life, I felt sad that I let my mom down but the look on her face; that look said she felt even worse just because she told me so many times about protecting myself. My family was shocked my uncle told me to abort my family told me all my dreams and goals was out the window and I had to now grow up and be a mom. My friend had an abortion a week before because she was not willing to tell her parents or be a mom, but I knew that I could not do that I was also a Christian and I did not believe in abortion my thought was I did it and now I had to make it right, I also was not going to let my mom take the responsibility either. I had got an acceptance letter from a college, I had taken all my money months before shopping for my college life, and I had got everything for college I was just waiting for one of them to accept me, but when I found out I was expecting I decided I was not going I was going to stay home and be a mom. Now I know what you’re thinking really you gave up that opportunity why? something in me told me I had to, and she has been my blessing she made me a mom, she made me put down my reckless behavior and start thinking as a grown up. I don’t know how anyone else felt when they became a parent, but I had a vision of me being a wife with the white picket fence being a stay-at-home mom, the all-American dream, you see how at the end of that sentence I said dream well it’s because that is exactly what it is a dream; now I know now that there is no real American dream unless you have God in your life. I was young and Nieve and decided to give my daughter’s father a chance because I wanted that life, we were good, and I was happy, but we were both young and dumb we moved in together that was the first wrong thing, then we decided to try for another baby the second wrong thing we did, then I noticed it was becoming too much for him, now I was still ok because that’s what I wanted but I did it the wrong way. I had my second daughter and that’s when I found out he was cheating on me and that crushed me, but I stayed the third wrong thing I did, remember you will never be able to change a person no matter if you give them everything they want if they are not ready to change then they are just not ready. I tried to do my best to ignore the cheating signs, but it was really eating at me because I knew he was back doing it again and that’s when the devil was able to start using me for evil, at first he was able to plant himself in me when I decided to try and get that All American dream by myself and not with God then when I put my trust in a person and they broke my heart that’s when he knew he was going to be able to use me, because I was so felled with rage that I just wanted to always make him jealous get him back for hurting me and then the relationship became abusive and that went on for a while until I found out that I was pregnant with my third daughter and I knew that I had to get out the relationship because it was not healthy. I got approved for another apartment and moved all my stuff out the apartment and moved in with my dad for a week until I got my keys, I was determined to have a fresh start with just my girls. I moved into my new apartment he and his family did help but he did not live there, I was ok for a while but then the devil started sneaking back into my life feeling my mind with all sorts of things and I started feeling lonely again and I wanted him back, so I let him back in that was the fourth thing I did wrong. He was back and it did not get any better the physical abuse turned into verbal abuse and that went on for a long time on and off still thinking I can do it by myself I stopped praying stopped going to church and having faith, so I really just worked and worked expecting change to happen and it never did. Now this is years later, and we have three girls still living in a bad apartment complex and a toxic relationship with baby number 4 on the way. I found out that I was pregnant again and it was just getting harder and harder because we never fixed things we just kept having children and I knew it was getting harder for me and stressful for him but when I had my baby boy I can say he did do a 360 with his attitude and behavior, now I’m not saying stay if the relationship becomes abusive this is my story and what we did might not be the same for you. After my son I knew that I did not want any more children, so I made sure I was not able to have more just because I still refused to let the relationship go and I did not know if we were going to go back to that toxic relationship. Now it’s years later and we are doing ok we stopped arguing and we were just ok. He decided to propose when my son was 2 years old, we got married and I can say we never went back to the physical and verbal abuse but since I have been on my spiritual journey my thoughts, dreams and goals have changed. I will never want to go back to how I was I realized my whole adult life I was being used by the devil and everything I did and felt was not of God. The devil made me feel lonely, depressed, made me feel like I had to keep this man, and it also put the rage inside me when he broke my heart that was nothing but the devil. God said in the bible he is a jealous god, and he does not want you to put no one or thing above him, the only person you can trust is God because he will never leave or forsake you, he will never hurt you, putting your whole trust in a human being you’re always going to get hurt because we are not perfect, and we all make mistakes.
I am still on my healing journey trying to find my way in this world while I’m still here, because God has a purpose for each and every one of us and mines is out there, and I know with faith in God, I will find it. I will never go back to that old me I feel too good now even though I still don’t have everything I want and don’t always have it together I know now God will give it to me when he is ready, and guide me when I’m stuck and loss I just have to continue to have faith and talk to him (pray) daily and if I feel the devil trying to sneak his way back in my life all I have to do is fast and pray. THE DEVIL WILL NOT WIN, THE BATTLE IS NOT OVER, but God is with me standing right beside me helping me fight.
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